Monday, November 7, 2011

Let's wrap this up...

I can honestly say that I have never looked forward to the end of a quarter of school in the way that I am with this one. Sure, every quarter when week 8 comes around and I am swamped with finishing up projects, studying for exams, and writing final papers, I feel this longing for it all to be over. I wish for my last final so I can head home and relax on my parents' ridiculously comfortable purple couch (yes, like Barney purple. That's my mom for you).

But, this quarter is different. More extreme.

I have been on a roller coaster- that I almost didn't realize was happening because I was so busy with class, work as a Peer Mentor, writing lessons, observing, teaching, and attempting to have a social life. The reading on the "busy-ness scale" was off the charts, and it didn't allow me nearly enough time to reflect on or work on how I was doing personally.

With every heartbreak that we experience, we change. We go through stages of emotions that can either diminish who we are or lead to priceless self-learning. As I was dealing with my recent breakup, my amazing father (who never ceases to have the perfect thing to say to me) explained how I was suffering a loss. He told me I needed to let myself grieve and not run from the emotions that would inevitably engulf me.

He was right. This breakup was completely earth-shattering for me. I went through a few weeks where I felt like I would never feel that kind of happiness again. My confidence took a major hit, and I spent endless nights questioning what it is that I actually like about myself. What would others ever see in me as good or attractive?

It was a struggle. I distracted myself with school, work, teaching, and socializing (a little too hard at times). But, when I slowed down and allowed my heart to catch up with my mind, I would crumble again. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to end like it did. What was I supposed to do now?

I am slowly beginning to feel myself coming back out of the shadows. I am starting to pick myself up again, but I am struggling to identify the things about myself that make me who I am without him. It sounds silly, and I am almost embarrassed at how wrapped up I was with this guy, and then, with the drama that he caused in my life.

So, that brings me back to why I am so excited to head home for my 6 week winter break (on our quarter system, we are off from Thanksgiving to New Years). I am going to have the time to figure myself out again. The things we I enjoy and value. The things that are important to us me. And the things that I like about him myself. 

Now, I just have to get through an exam, 3 papers, a portfolio, group presentation, and a final. These, and all I have been through this quarter are minor obstacles in my journey towards figuring out who exactly I am.

I feel like everyone goes through this process, but maybe, I am doing it a little later than most.

Better late than never, right?

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