Struggling

I don't know what is with me right now. I feel like I am already failing at the goals I set just 24 hours ago. Since the beginning of September, I have gained about 7 pounds, and I am freaking out. I am trying so hard not to fall back into the patterns I had before, but what I want more than anything is to lose those pounds!

I haven't been able to be as disciplined as I used to be. The rational part of my brain knows that this is good. The "discipline" was unhealthy. But the rest of me wants nothing more than to be able to restrict in the way I used to.

I am so blessed to have parents that support my vegan lifestyle, and they make sure to stock the kitchen with lots of options. Too many options. Some that, although vegan, are downright crap. I can't control myself, and I don't have my college gym to go to to burn it off. I feel like I am digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole everyday.

I need some inspiration or something to snap me out of this. I hate the way I look and feel physically right now, but I am not taking the necessary steps to fix the problem. I am only making thinks worse for myself. What am I supposed to do now?

All I can do is tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. A new chance to make better choices for myself. Starting over, I make my winter break pledge. Here we go.

* I apologize for the freak-out/self-loathing pity party. My usual support of all my girlfriends are miles away, and I don't know where else to turn. Sometimes I have to rant to feel better, so that fell on my blog this time. Sorry *

My Winter Break Pledge

With this last piece of peanutbutter toast, I call the end to Thanksgiving. The feast and leftover day have passed, and it is time to get back to business. I am rededicating myself to my journey towards health. I remember in grade school, we always learned that there are 3 types of health: mental/emotional, physical, and social. I am taking the next month off of school to focus my attention on mending myself in all three dimensions.

Here's the plan. I am using this blog as my "accountability partner".

1. Back to healthy, WHOLE, vegan foods that make my body feel good (physical health, check). Not bloated and uncomfortable and longing for more after a meal. Within this is the following:
     - back to a commitment to a completely plant-based diet. I slipped up a few times recently. I blame delicious pumpkin cookies.
     - only whole and minimally-processed foods. I need to be able to read all of the ingredients or be eating the plant itself. No more white flower or white sugar, and NO HFCS.
     - no more binging. It has happened a few times recently. Mostly our of boredom or an under-consumption during the day rearing its ugly head late at night.

2. Stay active (physical health, check x2). It is so easy to just lay around all day when I have nothing to do and my parents are working. Not this December, hunny. Getting out to try and start running or doing my trusty workout video will be daily requirements.

3. Enjoy time with friends when they come home and the occasional night out (social health, check). Everyone deserves a good time, and while I am definitely looking more closely to the products I put into my body, I don't want it to hinder my relationships anymore. I'll go out with high school friends, and I even have a few dates to try out. I want to allow myself to enjoy them.

4. Begin seriously rebuilding myself (mental/emotional, done). My confidence took a major hit this quarter, and with the party weight that I put on and a few not-so-great decisions that I made, it only seemed to fall. No more. I am going to remember all of the things that I like about myself without needing the confirmation from others. I am going to re-explore my art and music, and I am going to begin to love myself for me again.

5. No health related, but I wan to blog at least 4 times a week. I literally have no other commitments, so I have no excuses. And it makes me feel good. I want to shape my voice and point of view. Learn more about how everything works from a technology point of view, and maybe even explore some design stuff.

Structuring and writing out my goals always helps me to be able to carry them out and reflect on them later. I am in control of how this break will go, and I want to do everything it takes to make it a great one.

So, I am wishing myself "Good Luck, girlfriend! I know you can do it".

¡Feliz Día de Gracias!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

It's so hard to explain, but this year's Thanksgiving was met with a high level of anxiety on my part. Don't get me wrong, I loved spending time with my teeny family, and the food was amazing. But, this holiday has been one that, ever since I became health-conscious, has concerned me.

Any day that is completely dedicated to gorging ourselves on fat-laden, high calorie food is going to set off my disordered thinking. This one was no different. Since I am so aware of the 5 pounds of "party weight" that I put on over this quarter, I was afraid of setting myself farther back. I did make myself a well-balanced, vegan meal, but I put a lot of pressure on myself not to eat too much of everything. I had to keep reminding myself that I was filling my body with fuel- and some very nutritious fuel at that.

I am actually pretty proud of how I ended up eating. It was more than I planned, but again, my expectations may have been unreasonable. And I find myself no very full, but I enjoyed every bite, and I know that each one was full of fresh, colorful, and nutritious fare.

The second not-so-happy part of the day was the overwhelming loneliness that I couldn't keep out of my mind. I didn't realize how hard all these upcoming family days are going to be. I feel like I am missing part of my family. It has been nearly 2 months since the break up, but I am still a mess. I feel like this isn't how it was supposed to go, and I am drowning, grasping for some sense of normalcy.

So add anxiety about the food + lingering heartbreak + this chest-cold that I haven't been able to get rid of = an emotional holiday for Rachel.

The highlight of the day was definitely the eats, and the time spent with my amazing family and new niece-doggy, Jolene.

Let's take a look shall we? Thank you to Jenn for hosting another WIA event. Two in one week? Did I go to heaven?

Breakfast: baked apple oat bran with orange tea.

OOTD. Thanksgiving is an informal affair at our house. Real pants are totally not necessary.

The spread, and my broski ready to dig in.

My plate (x2 + some picking): salad, green beans, homemade cranberry sauce, lentil-stuffed portabello, roasted sweet pot with acorn squash and some unpictured mulitgrain bread.

Desert spread: mom's pumpkin pie w/ cool whip, my vegan apple crisp.

My plate (x 3) I seriously ate like half that pan. Vegan apple crisp with black decaf.

 For some family shots:

Meet Jolene. My bro and his girlfriend just adopted her. 6 mo old puggle. Absolutely adorable and the sweetest dog ever.

One more because she is too precious

Me and the broski

The men assume their positions.

Happy Thanksgiving! This year, I am thankful for resiliency and knowing that there is always tomorrow. A new day, for a new start.

DIY Sushi Night

I finished the last of my school work on Thursday around 2. But I didn't actually pack up and drive home for break until Sunday around 2. When my dad asked my why I wasn't heading home sooner, the only response I could come up with was "I want to stay and hang out."

And that is just what I did. All three days and nights of this weekend were devoted to spending as much time as I could having as much fun as I could with my roommates and friends before we all headed to our respective homes for our 6-week break (OU's quarter system makes it so that we are off of school from Thanksgiving to New Year's every year).

All of this included a lot of laughing, partying, and just hanging out. My roommate's new boyfriend was in town visiting, and as part of the dates she planned, she came up with a Make-Your-Own Sushi night. She asked me help her get things ready and join them, and of course, I was all about it. In order to no be the total 3rd wheel, I invited my neighbor, friend, and fellow sushi lover to join us. It was a great double-date(ish) night!

Allie and Tom all ready to get started!

Slicing my roll. Look how tight that baby is! So proud of that one.

We even broke out the "fancy" plates. So pretty. My rolls, with marinated tofu instead of that weird krab stuff, cucumber, carrots, avocado, asparagus, and rice.

Our damage. It is literally impossible for more that one person to do anything on our kitchen without making a huge mess. Totally worth it, though.

Enjoying my rolls picnic-style because 1) it's fun that way and 2) we don't have enough space or chairs for 4 of us to sit at the counter.

Clay (the neighbor) being too cool.

Happy Sushi couple.

It turned out to be way more delicious than we expected. And way more fun. This one gets an A for sure!

My final Final, finalized

About an hour ago, I turned in my final, final of the quarter. I love that. Final, final. It was in the form of a Spanish research paper about how Magic Realism has entered the world of English literature...blah, blah, blah... I'M DONE!!!

This quarter which can only be described as miserable but awesome is finally behind me! It's been a tough one, to say the least, and I am itching to hit the road and say goodbye to Athens and everyonething in it. I'm ready for some time away.

I thought for the end of the quarter, I would reflect on the goals I set for myself. Let's see how I did, shall we? Here's how the report card looks (the black is what I set for myself at the beginning of the quarter, and purple is from the halfway checkpoint):

1) Strait A's- This one makes an appearance every quarter, and was never realized until last winter   

when I was abroad. I was able to do it again in the spring, so I hope to keep the streak going.

Looking good so far! I haven't gotten any grades back that would indicate anything different!

Still, looking good! But we won't know for sure until grades come out in a week or so. But, still feeling good! This one gets a A- only because of the uncertainty. 

2) Keep nourishing my body with healthy, natural foods - This should be a cinch because it is     something that is really important to me, but when the sched gets crazy, it's difficult to find time to  

make well balanced meals. But, I am determined to do it this quarter.

Actually, I am surprising myself with how well I have been doing with this. Ever since the break up, and effectively losing the only person I could talk to about it, I have kept up all of the progress I have made, and then some. I'm finally doing it for me. And it feels really amazing.

This one has been up and down. Thankfully, my one roommate has really been there when I have been upset about it. But, as the quarter finishes up, I have really been feeling better, even with the few pounds I have gained. B deduction of one letter grade for the few binge/breakdown episodes that happened.

3) Work out most days of the week- I am aiming for 5 days a week, but, again, this gets tricky when 

things get busy, but I think if I make it part of my daily routine and get it done in the morning, I can stick to it.

Tricky is an understatement...time is definitely not on my side with this one. I have been averaging         3 or 4 days a week. I'm still happy with this, though.

I slipped even more the second half of the quarter. I got sick, and with my crazy schedule, just lacked overall motivation. I hope to change this over break, though, when I literally have nothing else to do. 

C my performance was nothing but average. 

4) Fix and maintain relationships with roomies- Although I get along fine with all of them, I seemed to drift apart from them over the course of last year. It is really just that our priorities are different (this may come a lot from the struggles I have had with my eating/body issues. more on that later) and our schedules don't match up well. Still, they mean a lot to me, and I don't want to lose them.

Again, it's amazing how the worst thing that has happened to me in years has actually helped other aspects of my life. My roommates' support through everything has really brought us closer. I am also around them a lot more since I am not always with the boy. I love them, and I am so happy to have seemed to found them again.

From the pumpkin festival. Completely re-connecting!

Thank goodness for girlfriends! That is all I can say about this quarter. I really don't know how I would have made it through without them. A+  But this grade really goes to them, not me.

  

5) Keep things with William going well- He means so much to me. This is not optional.

Let's just strike this one from the record. Wow, it's painful.

Is there a way to double cross this out? And spit on it? And stomp it to the ground? How is it possible that after almost 2 months, I am still such a mess over this? When will it get better? No grade necessary here. You know what it is. 

6) Be a kick-ass peer mentor- One of my jobs on campus is to help 25 incoming freshmen with their transition into college life by being someone they can go to with questions, for advice, and as an example. It means a lot to me that I create good relationships with them and between them. 

Again, loving this job! I only have 12 this year, and it's really given me an opportunity to get closer with them. I am excited about the events I have planned for the rest of the quarter.

 

I dare say, I passed this one with flying colors. I really made some lasting connections with my group and my instructor this year. At our final dinner, she had some really nice things to say about how I did. Nothing like a little pat on the back to make everything worth it. I love these kids, and I can't wait to see them grow over the rest of the year, even if I am not longer getting paid for it. I will miss them!  

A

7) Make/Save at least $600 $400- I think that with my peer mentor job and my job at the restaurant, this is feasible. This is the type-a part of me trying to get a control on what my financial situation will be post-graduation. Always have to plan ahead.

Necessary change since I quit my second job. I still think that was the best decision I could have made. though.

Done! And then some! Even with my outrageous grocery bills, I managed this one. Next quarter, when I'm not working, I will have to budget a little better, but until then, I am going to celebrate with some Black Friday shopping next week. Anyone else participating in my favorite national holiday?  A+

8)Write 2 new songs- writing music is something that I do when I feel the need to express some sort of strong emotion. I only do it sporadically, but I would really like to challenge myself with a quota this quarter. It is therapeutic, and I think it is really good for me especially when I am overly anxious or upset about something.

No go, as of yet. Although, I do have plenty of things swimming around in my head that would be great to write about.

Still a no go. I lost my voice around Homecoming, and it still hasn't come back! This seriously hinders the writing process. It's hard to write a song when it sounds like a old, barking dog everytime I open my mouth. I do have all of break to get to this, though. For this quarter, big fail.  

F

 

Well this quarter's GPA is a 2.83. It's been a rough one, so this is better than I was expecting. Let's hope my actual grades from school are better than this! Crossing my fingers! 

Weekend ReCap

I can't believe that this weekend is already over. why is it that days seem to crawl when I am sitting in class, but they seem to fly by when on the weekends?!

Well, here is a quick reminisce of the weekend before the craziness of exam week starts up tomorrow. Finals! Yikes!

Friday night was spent laying around and being a lazyass couch potato with my roommate. Nothing exciting because...

Saturday morning:
I took the PRAXIS II Principles of Learning and Teaching Exam. 2 hours. 12 essays. 24 multiple choice. Ugh pure torture. I am usually a really fast test taker, and I was working until the last second on this one. Keeping my fingers crossed that I passed and won't have to take it again! I'll find out in about a month.

My friend, Val , and I took the test together, and we celebrated with a coffee at the best coffee shop in Athens:

Donkey Coffee. Perfection in a mug.

We decided that a Spain-girls-wine-and-spaghetti night was in order to celebrate further, and it was a great start to Saturday evening.

What my bowl looked like x 2 + a few more glasses of vino. So good! I haven't had white pasta in so long, and it was a nice change.

Las Chicas Guapas: Rebecca, Val, and Kristen (and me on the right). So much fun remembering the Spain trip! South America over the summer maybe?

Saturday night didn't end quite as positive as it started. Can anyone say "ex boyfriend drama"? Oh well, what's done is done.

But, everything was made better on Sunday night:
My (college) family's second annual Thanksgiving dinner! Yes, we are a few weeks early, but with everyone packing up to go home for break soon, we had to get together one last time. My bestie, Johnny, hosted.

The spread: turkey, hame, (vegan) mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, salad, stuffing, and my creation on the right (brown rice, lentils, zucchini, spinach, tomatoes, tomato sauce, lots of garlic and onions all topped with bread crumbs and baked to bubble perfection). It was a hit with everyone. Even the carnivores!

My plate: mashers, sweet taters, salad, and my casserole. There may have been one or two repeats of this plate. So good!

Me and Kayla with our plates. Hungry girls!

The fam at the table

The second table. All the boys sported their button downs and sweaters. The napkin bibs were totally necessary.

And the mandatory hand-turkey decorations. Yes, we are all seniors in college.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friends family I have built here. Who knows where I would be without these kids.

Some exciting Teacher-y happenings

In the past few weeks, the college of ed has dominated my life. Everything about my day revolves around class, assignments, observations, professional organizations, and tests. Although my roommates can attest to the levels of complaining that this has caused, some really exciting and happy things have been happening too. The fact that I get so excited about this stuff just proves to me that I am meant to be a teacher...eventually. I can't wait for student teaching in the spring. So, here's a peak at a few of the happenings:

1. FREE text book samples!

    As a member of OUCTM, I was able to attend the yearly Ohio Conference for Teachers of Mathematics where I listened to all kind of presentations and got a bunch of free promotional products (gotta love free stuff!). I also signed up for text book samples, never actually expecting to receive them. And then, a week or so later, look what got delivered to my door!

Oh yea!!! a complete set of sample texts- student  and teacher editions- along with common core books. For you teacher-types you know how exciting that is! For you non-teachers, that's like $1000 worth of resources...I know.

2. Wrapped up the quarter with my BobKittens.

        I absolutely love being a peer mentor, and the group this year was exceptionally awesome. I am so proud of them and so happy about the things they have accomplished and how easily they have adjusted to their life at OU. I will miss these kids!

At our last event- rock-climbing at the rec center. Our amazing instructor is on the left. I'm awkwardly in the middle.

3. Took the PRAXIS II this morning.

         One of the many standardized tests I have to take and pass to get my license. This one applies to both contents. So much pressure. I felt pretty confident about it, but it was so much writing! Seriously, my right arm might fall off. But, at least it's done!
       I made sure to wake up early enough to go through my morning routine and have a good breakfast before the test. Still, my tummy was growling halfway through!

Sorry for the awful pic. I hate my new camera. Anyway, ready for the test! comfy pants boots and shirt with a scarf added for some extra feel-goodness. I always like to feel confident in every way (including physically) when doing something so high-stakes.

Teacher duties for this quarter: dominated. Now, time to celebrated. Hard. Here we goooooo!

WIAW: A Day in the Life of a Teacher Candidate

Needless to say, I have been freaking busy lately. As you can see in my last post I've been up and down emotionally. Wednesdays are by far my busiest day this quarter with early wake-ups, observing/teaching all day, class all afternoon, and meetings at night. So, I thought this week I would give you all a glimpse into A Day in the Life of a Teacher Candidate (that is what they call us ed majors nowadays). And what is the perfect occasion?

WIAW!!! Hosted by the always awesome Jenn over at Peas and Crayons.

So, let's set the scene. You are a senior double education major, and it is a Wednesday morning. You have to be at your placement site for observations by 8:00am.

6:00 am:
The alarm goes off and you peal yourself out of bed and somehow manage to get to the shower.

6:15 am:
Make yourself presentable in your teacher-professional attire.

something like this: black dress pants, gray tee, patterned cardi

6:30 am:
Make yourself a nutritious and filling breakfast. This is crucial. Lunch is too far away to eat something un-substantial for bfast.

my standard these days: pumpkin oat bran (does anyone else find the bran more filling? loving it), with apples baked in, flax and cinnamon. That mug is usually filled with black coffee.

7:00 am:
Grab lunch/snacks that you packed the night before (so important!). Leave your apartment to walk a half-mile to where your car is parked (gotta love college towns) and set out for the 40 min drive to your placement site. In the Middle of Nowhere, Ohio.

Lunch: hummus/veggie wrap, carrots, apple, almonds and raisins.

Snack: another apple, Luna bar and an orange. 

All stuffed in to my teacher-perfect lunch bag

8:00-11:30 am:
Observe/teach 4 periods of 6th grade math with one of the most amazing placement teacher I have met. I won't actually be license to teach 6th grade math (only 7-12), but this was the best field experience I have had. Maybe I will look for a middle school position after all?

11:30 am:
Finally, lunch!! By this time you are famished. You sit in the teacher's lunch room and listen to all the gossip while chowing down.

2:30 pm:
Sprint from the school, jump in the car, and speed back to Athens to be back in time for class at 3:10. While driving, smash that second apple.

Anyone else loving the crackle nail polish? My sixth graders sure did. Building rapport anyone?

3:10-7:30p
Ugh, class. Try and spread out your during-class snacks (luna bar and orange) to last until you finally get home.

7:45p
Finally, get home and resist immediately passing out in your bed to indulge your ravenous tummy.

Big ol' pot of butternut squash chili that I cooked up on Sunday. This will feed me literally all week. Thank goodness my roomies and I don't share food. I'm not giving any of this up. Always served with a little Daiya cheddar melted down over the top.

8:30-10:00p
Lounge around (probably watching Food Network) until you hit the hay. At 10:00. Like a grandma. Proud of it.

Hope you enjoyed a day in my crazy life! CanNOT wait for it to slow down for my 6 week break!

Let's wrap this up...

I can honestly say that I have never looked forward to the end of a quarter of school in the way that I am with this one. Sure, every quarter when week 8 comes around and I am swamped with finishing up projects, studying for exams, and writing final papers, I feel this longing for it all to be over. I wish for my last final so I can head home and relax on my parents' ridiculously comfortable purple couch (yes, like Barney purple. That's my mom for you).

But, this quarter is different. More extreme.

I have been on a roller coaster- that I almost didn't realize was happening because I was so busy with class, work as a Peer Mentor, writing lessons, observing, teaching, and attempting to have a social life. The reading on the "busy-ness scale" was off the charts, and it didn't allow me nearly enough time to reflect on or work on how I was doing personally.

With every heartbreak that we experience, we change. We go through stages of emotions that can either diminish who we are or lead to priceless self-learning. As I was dealing with my recent breakup, my amazing father (who never ceases to have the perfect thing to say to me) explained how I was suffering a loss. He told me I needed to let myself grieve and not run from the emotions that would inevitably engulf me.

He was right. This breakup was completely earth-shattering for me. I went through a few weeks where I felt like I would never feel that kind of happiness again. My confidence took a major hit, and I spent endless nights questioning what it is that I actually like about myself. What would others ever see in me as good or attractive?

It was a struggle. I distracted myself with school, work, teaching, and socializing (a little too hard at times). But, when I slowed down and allowed my heart to catch up with my mind, I would crumble again. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to end like it did. What was I supposed to do now?

I am slowly beginning to feel myself coming back out of the shadows. I am starting to pick myself up again, but I am struggling to identify the things about myself that make me who I am without him. It sounds silly, and I am almost embarrassed at how wrapped up I was with this guy, and then, with the drama that he caused in my life.

source

So, that brings me back to why I am so excited to head home for my 6 week winter break (on our quarter system, we are off from Thanksgiving to New Years). I am going to have the time to figure myself out again. The things we I enjoy and value. The things that are important to us me. And the things that I like about him myself. 

Now, I just have to get through an exam, 3 papers, a portfolio, group presentation, and a final. These, and all I have been through this quarter are minor obstacles in my journey towards figuring out who exactly I am.

I feel like everyone goes through this process, but maybe, I am doing it a little later than most.

Better late than never, right?

Recovery mode

The past few weeks have been an utter whirlwind. I haven't had time for anything, let alone sit down and reflect on my blog. So, bloggy loves, I apologize for my relative absence.

This quarter of school has been grueling. I have to say I am really looking forward to finishing it up in a 2.5 weeks and heading home for my long winter break. I can't wait to have time to actually do things I enjoy.

October at Ohio University means one thing: PARTYING!! With homecoming followed closely by our nationally-known HallOUween block party, the month of October becomes nothing more that one huge party.

As a result, my huge course load and overworking led, inevitably to a need to blow off some steam and a bit too much fun.

Don't get me wrong, I have had a blast this month. I have grown closer with the roomsters, made some new friends, and reconnected with some old ones. All of my nights out have been great and mostly drama-free, just how I like it.

However...

I  can't help feeling like my body is suffering. I have had a cold and a hoarse voice for 3 weeks. Along with "having a good time" (that is what we are going to call it.. gotta stay professional here) comes waaaay too much eating. Of nothing but crap. I am stuck in this internal battle between wanting to participate in everything my friends are doing and wanting to maintain the healthy lifestyle I have worked so hard to create for myself.

Unfortunately, fun and over-indulgence has won out as of late. Every Sunday I find myself disgusted by everything I consumed over the weekend. Feelings of guilty overtake me, and I resolve to do better starting Monday. Then, Monday night I find myself mindlessly binging on anything that tastes good. I am just watching all of my hard work slip away as excess pounds work their way back on (even though when I weighed myself at the gym today, I had only gained about a pound).

I am searching for a way to break this cycle, and I feel like the only way I will be able to will be to stop going out with the girls. But, I don't want to disconnect with them in the same way I did last spring when my food issues were at their height.  I know that my fears are unreasonable. None of my friends worry about this stuff like I do, and they all look and feel great.

I am training myself to relax, and I know that just the fact that I have gone out as much as I have means that I have made so much progress. I have hope for the where I will go, but I still worry about the effect it is having on my health.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

As the new month of November rolls in, I think this is the perfect opportunity to set some goals for myself relating to my health and overall happiness.

1. Eat more filling and satisfying, well-balanced meals through out the day. 

Hopefully, this will help me cut out the late night binging.

2. Limit going out to one night a week for the rest of the quarter. 

There is no reason why I shouldn't have fun... within moderation.

3. Get back to working out at least 3 times a week. 

With being sick and busy, I have slacked recently. Gotta get back on that wagon!

4. Sleep! At least 6 hours a night.

Nothing is more influential on my day than how much rest I got the night before.

5. Focus on school work, time manage, stress less.

Getting through the quarter in an organized and controlled way is going to be a life saver.

Alright, November, bring it on!